Worst Query Contest

Hey Hottie,

Do you want to make a million bucks? Of course you do! And I have the perfect book to do it. This idea is so great, that I can’t even tell it to you or anybody else. If I did, somebody would steal it. But I can tell you this much, it’s going to be a bestseller, maybe better than Harry Potter. And if you get in on it now, you can ride the money train all the way to the bank!

If you send me a really great advance and a contract, I will tell you the whole thing. But here’s what I can tell you now, to get your imagination started… UNICORNS ON SPACESHIPS! I don’t know if that will be the exact title, but, awesome, right? It’s going to be an edgy, adult, science fantasy romance mystery series– probably ten books or more. I’ve written the first two chapters and my close friend and my mother both say it’s the best thing they’ve ever read… and they read a LOT of books!

Another thing I can tell you: I’m doing some experimental, literary work with it. I think the best way to really bring the reader into the story is through the under-utilized second person point of view. But that’s not all, it’s future tense! I know, right?! It’s like a fortune teller is revealing the reader’s future… in space… as a unicorn! It’ll probably have to be about 160,000 words for the first book. My creative writing teacher says the 5,000 word story I wrote last week could easily be a novel. And this idea is about 32 times better than that one. I already mapped the galaxy on graph paper and outlined the whole history of the special race of unicorns.

I’ll need you to make me a website and send me to book signings all over the world, first class, of course. But I’m sure you can see those dollar signs racking up as you read this, right? Get back to me in one week with your best offer and if it’s higher than the other offers I get from the one-hundred fifty-six top agents and publishers I’m sending this to today, your future will be golden! (See how awesome that second person future is?)

Make my day,
J. K. Wymore

P.S. Did I mention the main character’s name is Detective Graftrass? I’m enclosing a sketch I did of her.

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4 thoughts on “Worst Query Contest

  1. Future tense … gawd, the idea of writing in that gives me brain hurties. LOL. Let alone reading in it!

    Nice work on your worst query. 🙂

  2. Cannot stop laughing. Unicorns on spaceships is the next brilliant thing. The future tense fortune telling is a genius angle. This person is so excited about his ideas; the excitement leaps off the page (I’m sure his creative writing teacher is more than happy to be a reference). Great bad query.

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